these past few months have been like a living hell, but i continue to keep my head up.. things happen in my life, I think to myself. what the fuck? a lot of problems arise.. i be feeling like i’m wrong for shit that i do, but i’m coming to realize that every decision has consequences. i have to learn to accept them..
i don’t listen to a lot of hood nigga music.. why? because what the fuck do they be talking bout? the same ole shit in every song.. ” i fucked this bitch that bitch, true this true that ” i like different shit i can’t rock with niggas who rocking the same style on every song.. shouts to everybody who told me to be me.. Justin, Payden, Kayla, Dej Loaf, Big Baby, kendrick Lamar.. another point on music is.. without it i would go insane.. people don’t listen to music for what it truly is no more, it’s a bunch of sweet beats, with no lyrical talent.. i hate that shit.. it’s falling apart so fats.. i love all artist who are steadily trying to keep the real alive, i see these niggas rapping, but the things they rap about never seem to be around.. what shit y’all on? i understand the street game, i lost my brother to that shit.. NIGGAS THAT SHIT NOT SWEET, if it ain’t you don’t try to be that.. i been there done that, i found out the hard way.. everything goes back to the music, so what the fuck?
this segment is dedicated to those in relationships, keep pushing, keep focused, keep going DON’T EVER GIVE UP OR GIVE IN.. i love my girlfriend to death, i’ve come to realize that we not always gone see eye to eye about shit, it’s a learning process.. everything in,life is.. all i can say is this.. don’t let SOMEBODY else RUIN YOUR relationship, that shit weak.. don’t post all your info on the net either the hoes/haters love to see yall fail or be down.. they behind the scenes laughing waiting to fuck you over. and let me tell yall who it be, YOUR FRIENDS.. shit be having you thinking what the fuck?
this shit we luving was never meant to be easy, it’s not all about play man.. i’ve realized that shit.. be yourselves.. don’t be afraid of judgement.. Frank O shouts to you.. i look up to for that shit.. keep striving for your dreams man, don’t let nobody tell you that you can’t do something.. i used to let people walk all over me, then i took a stand and i said.. FUCK HUMANS.. the fuck have y’all done for me besides cause me pain, hurt, anger and frustration.. over the last two years i’ve lost and gain so many friends.. i started doing me, people said i changed only because i started living for James.. they hate you when they see you can’t depend on them.. they hate when you getting your own.. and it’s crazy cause thats the type of society we live in now.. it’s so crazy now.. people dying left and right. people eating people’s face off.. it’s plain crazy.. but we have to keep going keep striving.. don’t give up.. i was always told that.. so ima follow it.. go to school, go to a trade school, get a honest hustle and everything will be just fine, as i end listening to payphone by Marron 5.. i just wanna say i love you all.. don’t stop.. and if you need me.. i’m here always to help
today.. a lot happened.. got some things accomplished, had many more fail.. i’m trying to help those around me, because being unselfish is great.. but at the same time.. EVERYBODY around me keeps pushing me away, i don’t know how to handle this, i don’t know if i should stop caring as a whole or keep trying? i do what i’m supposed to and i still get all the blame for shit put on me, it’s only so much i can take before i just explode and let ” the old me ” come back out i know that sound bizzare, but it’s true.. i use to not give two fucks about shit..and honestly my life was better, then i found out what love was, and how some people are, and started to care more, but it’s like i’m at wits end..
earlier today man, my pops told me some ill shit and it really fucking hurt me, like i’m still scared from that shit.. like i would never tell my child he or she shouldn’t or couldn’t do something, especially chase there dreams.. mt dad is a good man don’t get me wrong
everyday man i look up to the sky and i say to myself damn man.. i miss my fucking brother.. he wrote me not to long ago and told me i could do anything that i wanted.. he told me to listen, buckle down and get some shit accomplished with my life, i will do it all bro, love james
when i say i’m really more lonely than y’all think.. I AM
i have NOBODY anymore.. everybody has forgotten me, abandoned me and left me on the side of the road like i’m a fucking piece of shit.. i can’t keep a friendship, i thought i was passed that, relationship problems, but that’s normal, i just wish those would disappear.. i have no job anymore so i’m super fucking dependent on people and i shouldn’t be, but it’s hard.. i don’t wanna do nothing illegal, but it’s like i’m being pushed into that direction, i’m forcing myself to try to stay positive, but it hurts.. i know i’m a man, but i’m also human i have emotions, i have a mind, i’m a thinker, a dreamer, etc. but no one see’s that.. all they ever see is me being an ass, james you doing this you doing that. yeah they don’t verbally say it, but i know body language..
some times i be feel like shit, others i feel good.. i haven’t felt the love and comfort from a woman/girl in so longit’s like i need that right now.. this season coming is like my season..
where i can be ducked off somewhere with a girl that cares for me. but lately things haven’t been so well.. it’s like love runs away from me.. i sometimes feel like i wont see love anymore.. but deep inside i know i will.. it’s like i’m being forced to learn patience.
its been like the weather has been telling my mood.. the outside looks beauitful, but as soon as you step into it.. it turms cold.. sorta like me.. happy at all times, but dying on the inside.. i feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.. i feel so cold now.. the love from a girl is a rarity in my life, and i wish i had it back, but this time around i wanna be friends first, before lovers.. i have to move on.. i know i can i know what i want, so i have to go get it.. but i don’t want to make the wrong choice.. i was once told the idea of fear is worse than the fear itself.. this holds so much truth to it
It was a nice sunny day out.. There I was in the house. Thinking, listening to music. Dej Loaf to be exact. The day I registered for school. I begin to reflect.
I remember when I was about 16 man, I wasn’t working. Moms was giving me everything I wanted. Pops gave me advice. Then an opportunity approached me. I walked into McDonalds and a lady says ” young man you wanna work? ” I’m thinking to myself ” hell yeah why not? “. What I didn’t know what responsibilities would arise from having a job. I would go to school at 4pm and work 6am - 2pm. The first few months were pretty cool. Then I started wanting more.
I wanted a contract on my own, so I went and got sprint. I wasn’t ready, more eager to say ” this mine, it’s in my name “. Foolish mistake, a few months past and the bills started to pile. I got behind, phone was off for like 2 months. I would still go an buy what I wanted not focusing on what I needed. My moms through everything always came through for me. I appreciate her. My pops was always in ear telling me to keep going and keep my head up. I appreciate him as well.
Just a few thoughts about my life from where manhood began.