today.. a lot happened.. got some things accomplished, had many more fail.. i’m trying to help those around me, because being unselfish is great.. but at the same time.. EVERYBODY around me keeps pushing me away, i don’t know how to handle this, i don’t know if i should stop caring as a whole or keep trying? i do what i’m supposed to and i still get all the blame for shit put on me, it’s only so much i can take before i just explode and let ” the old me ” come back out i know that sound bizzare, but it’s true.. i use to not give two fucks about shit..and honestly my life was better, then i found out what love was, and how some people are, and started to care more, but it’s like i’m at wits end..
earlier today man, my pops told me some ill shit and it really fucking hurt me, like i’m still scared from that shit.. like i would never tell my child he or she shouldn’t or couldn’t do something, especially chase there dreams.. mt dad is a good man don’t get me wrong
everyday man i look up to the sky and i say to myself damn man.. i miss my fucking brother.. he wrote me not to long ago and told me i could do anything that i wanted.. he told me to listen, buckle down and get some shit accomplished with my life, i will do it all bro, love james
when i say i’m really more lonely than y’all think.. I AM
i have NOBODY anymore.. everybody has forgotten me, abandoned me and left me on the side of the road like i’m a fucking piece of shit.. i can’t keep a friendship, i thought i was passed that, relationship problems, but that’s normal, i just wish those would disappear.. i have no job anymore so i’m super fucking dependent on people and i shouldn’t be, but it’s hard.. i don’t wanna do nothing illegal, but it’s like i’m being pushed into that direction, i’m forcing myself to try to stay positive, but it hurts.. i know i’m a man, but i’m also human i have emotions, i have a mind, i’m a thinker, a dreamer, etc. but no one see’s that.. all they ever see is me being an ass, james you doing this you doing that. yeah they don’t verbally say it, but i know body language..
i just don’t know what to do anymore man.. /:
It was a nice sunny day out.. There I was in the house. Thinking, listening to music. Dej Loaf to be exact. The day I registered for school. I begin to reflect.
I remember when I was about 16 man, I wasn’t working. Moms was giving me everything I wanted. Pops gave me advice. Then an opportunity approached me. I walked into McDonalds and a lady says ” young man you wanna work? ” I’m thinking to myself ” hell yeah why not? “. What I didn’t know what responsibilities would arise from having a job. I would go to school at 4pm and work 6am - 2pm. The first few months were pretty cool. Then I started wanting more.
I wanted a contract on my own, so I went and got sprint. I wasn’t ready, more eager to say ” this mine, it’s in my name “. Foolish mistake, a few months past and the bills started to pile. I got behind, phone was off for like 2 months. I would still go an buy what I wanted not focusing on what I needed. My moms through everything always came through for me. I appreciate her. My pops was always in ear telling me to keep going and keep my head up. I appreciate him as well.
Just a few thoughts about my life from where manhood began.
